Climbing

I have a longer messier uglier post that might never get published. This story is the short version.

Hi, my name is Kristin. I’ve struggled with anxiety most of my life. I was officially diagnosed with depression in college. In each postpartum period, my anxiety has become worse. It isn’t as some moms describe – I don’t feel anxiety about my baby. Instead, I’d be happy just cuddling my baby while someone else cleans my house, cooks for me, and entertains my other children (and the dog and the cats). My anxiety is about everyone and everything else. I feel rage. It is a dreadful feeling.

I know that my plate is over full. Karl and I both work full time. I’ve had 3 job transitions (within the same company) since September 2014. We have 3 kiddos 5 and under.

Being overwhelmed is understandable. But overwhelmed and perfectionism are a horrible combination. And overwhelmed, perfectionism, postpartum hormones, interrupted sleep…I know.

I’m working on surfacing above it. Some days are better than others. On weekends when I’m alone with the kiddos, I often feel like a failure. A rageful ugly failure. I often forget to pray in those moments which I think would help me immensely. But, the redness of the rage cancels out my ability to think rationally.

What I look forward to is having more days where the joy outshines the rage.

I am living my dream. At one point in my late 20s, I didn’t think I would find anyone to spend the rest of my life with. I longed for having a family.

I’ve met the one that I want to be with as long as we both shall live. We have 3 amazing kiddos.

I will overcome.

Something that has saved me multiple times is Postpartum Progress. It’s an organization that focuses on helping women with postpartum mood disorders, helps to educate the public about maternal mental health, and (for me) gives hope to mamas who are struggling through. I found their website through another blog, Baby Rabies. Jill (from Baby Rabies) wrote a post about her postpartum anxiety and how Postpartum Progress helped. It has helped me each postpartum period. I’ve really loved following their Instagram account this postpartum period. It helps immensely to know I’m not alone.

A few years ago Postpartum Progress started Climb out of the Darkness on the Saturday closest to the longest day of the year. This year’s climb will be June 18, 2016. I’m really excited to be able to participate in it because I’ve worked on the day of the climb the previous 2 years. Please help me to work toward raising $250 (tax deductible donations) for Postpartum Progress and their important work. Go to $1, $5, $50, $100 or more. Whatever you feel you can contribute would be greatly appreciated. This organization has been a lifeline for me. Click here to donate.

I've been a fundraiser, so I know that this post isn't the best approach for asking for people to contribute. The post is more about my struggle and how Postpartum Progress has helped me. I'll plan to send a more official/assertive email to my friends and family, so be watching your inboxes! ;-) BUT, I'd love it if some of you were to donate before getting that letter!

Please keep me in your prayers – for peace, for gentleness, for forgiveness, for perseverance, and for me to give myself the grace that I would give to another. Thank you for reading.